I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
