to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
