If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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