I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
