I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
