I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
