the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
