Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
