Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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