woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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