Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
