tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
