saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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