Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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