Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
