On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
