i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
