last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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