I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
