Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
