please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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