Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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