One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
