Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
