Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
