i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
