I wish my penis had an off switch
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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