I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
