Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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