I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
