If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
