I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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