I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
