I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
