That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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