So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
