Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
