I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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