I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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