i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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