Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
