I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
