Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
