And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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