I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
