i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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