Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
