could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
