i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
