Don't make out with my wife yet
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
