she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
