Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
